Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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