i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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