i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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