you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize