hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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