I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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