i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
