you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
