when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
