I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
