remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
