theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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