I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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