Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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