I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
