My hand turned me down
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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