Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
