dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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