I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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