got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
