Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
is this the sara with the beer cane?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
