All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
