tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
