I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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