my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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