When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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