She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
