Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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