oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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