A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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