I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
