Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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