Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
