im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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