Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
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