I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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