She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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