he thought i was a dude.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My vagina just recognized that song.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
