just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
