If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
