I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
