I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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