i don't like sucking hair
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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