WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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