3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
now i know why i became what i already was.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
