Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
