It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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