Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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