I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
