my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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