my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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