I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
