Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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