It's like a parade of train wrecks.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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