That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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