I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
