Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Randomize
