Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
