I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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