If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize