I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
