you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
