i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
