We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
