no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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